she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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