i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Moan for me like Helen Keller
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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