Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
