I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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