Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
