oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
