At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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