Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
