i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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