I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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