Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
