Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think your dad took our porno
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
