I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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