I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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