Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
