final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
