Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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