1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
