Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Who died my cat blue again?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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