She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
two words...techno handjob
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
