well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
