We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
