I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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