Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
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Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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