if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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