Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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