I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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