look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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