I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
