I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
