I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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