she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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