What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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