I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
