You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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