If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
