i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
