i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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