evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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