what if every blade of grass was a penis?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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