Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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