We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
