you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
