Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
