we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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