This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
