Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
