my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
