i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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