I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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