why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
