I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't deserve a penis
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's blow job season.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
