I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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